SAY HELLO!!!

When I started my blog a few weeks ago, I intended for it to be a type of therapeutic journal that may have a couple of followers who are going through similar situations, most likely people I know from Minnesota. I never thought it would be reaching people in Sweden, India, Japan, Australia, Greece…this is so cool!!!

If you are reading this, where are you from? How did you come across my blog? Say hello!

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Almost Got Had

Well, today pretty much sucked. Even after all the lessons I’ve learned the hard way and vows to never play my ex’s mind-games again, I fell for it. Slap me, somebody.

This is a little long and complicated – bare with me.

So, the house my children and I live in is in my husband and his father’s names. My husband hasn’t made a mortgage payment since I first consulted a divorce attorney in February. A letter was sent to our address from a law firm regarding the past-due house payments. After a few unanswered messages to my ex, I put the letter in his parents mailbox. (Since I am not on the loan, the mortgage company isn’t allowed to discuss anything with me – I have tried to call and set up a payment plan, with no success.)

Last night at around 9:30 my ex sent me a text saying he and his dad had talked and figured out what to do about the house. Of course, I asked what they decided – it would be nice to know if I need to start packing and looking for a new place. He didn’t answer me, because he likes to keep me guessing on pins and needles. Needless to say, his plan worked and I lost almost an entire night of sleep worrying about where the kids and I will live.

Then this morning rolls around and he finally decides to answer me ( he had gone to drink with his buddies that live downstairs from him last night, which is why he says he didn’t answer me – priorities, right?).

Well, this is what he and his dad “figured out” – his dad will catch up our house payments, but he wants to know what the status is of our relationship first. Also, he wants my ex to move back in with us and find a job in our hometown. Not only that, but he wants my ex to come back now. Like, today. He offered to take care of our bills until my ex finds work.

If you’re having trouble getting this straight like I was at first, let me lay it out for you like my best friend did for me: they are basically using my home as blackmail to get me to throw out the divorce papers. If I stay and let my ex move back in and give it yet another try, the kids get to keep the home they’ve grown up in. If I say no, they will most likely put it on the market.

Is this real life?!?!?!?

I spent my entire day in a total panic. After all the years I begged him to move back, he wants to do it now??? He’s going to just up and quit his job, so if I leave he won’t have to pay child support???

And then something occurred to me – I was being played. Again. So I decided to test him. I sent him a text saying his dad was right, and not only that but there’s an emergency with his oldest son so he should definitely come home as soon as he possibly can.

His response? He can’t come home – they start a huge job on Saturday that will last until fall and he has too much to do to come home before it starts. So there’s that. Acting like things are going to change so he can suck me back in, just to take back everything he had said only hours later. So he was telling me everything he thought I wanted to hear (I’m going to move home, I’m going to see the kids more, blah, blah) and the minute I actually held him to what he was saying, he backtracked. And then he stopped talking to me.

Narcissists don’t care what kind of attention they’re getting, as long as they’re getting it. They will do and say just about anything to sneak back into your life.

Whatever happens, I plan to start looking for a place that will belong to just me. And the kids, of course. You can’t give a narcissist anything they can use to hold over your head, or they will use it against you.

Another lesson learned, I guess. He will go as low as using blackmail to get me to stay, even using his parents in his game now. Just when I think he can’t go any lower, he always surprises me.

Today was crap, but now I know what I need to do.

Never underestimate a narcissist – when they appear to be helping, they more than likely have an ulterior motive. Always be aware.

Oh How I Tried. Oh How I Cried, Until the Day he Broke Me. Life with a Sociopathic Love Rat | No 2 Abuse

Oh How I Tried. Oh How I Cried, Until the Day he Broke Me. Life with a Sociopathic Love Rat | No 2 Abuse
— Read on www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/oh-how-i-tried.-oh-how-i-cried-until-the-day-he-broke-me.-life-with-a-socio

No More Chances

If your relationship with a narcissistic partner went anything like mine, you found yourself wasting far too much time trying to not only explain your feelings, but also trying to get the narcissist to understand. Or maybe even to care about the way you felt (haha). You would send endless texts baring your soul, suggesting ways to fix the relationship, attempting to address all the issues that needed to be discussed. You would send links to articles you felt could be beneficial to your relationship. You tried to coax them into couples therapy. You tried everything, talking until you were blue in the face, frantic to find a solution to fix this relationship.

In response, your narcissist would stonewall you (my ex’s #1 personal favorite), gaslight you, minimize your feelings, completely dismiss what you said and instead comment on the weather… Their apathy would infuriate you and their control tactics would cause you to question your sanity. The narcissist is loving all the energy and power they are getting out of seeing your misery.

Everything I stated above is why I will never miss my ex. Ever.

A few days ago, he sent me a message asking “When did you become so unhappy with us?” I wanted to throw my phone.

Instead, I laughed. I laughed hard.

Now that I can see his behaviors and tactics for what they are, this was a pathetic attempt at roping me back into the cycle of abuse. “Oh, I never realized you were so unhappy. Let me fix this” probably could have sucked me back in at one point in time, but not anymore.

Now I am in a place where I can call him out on his bullshit. When did I become so unhappy?!?!?Are you kidding me?!?!? If he honestly doesn’t know the answer to that (which I can guarantee he does), then he must be a complete idiot. By asking me that question, he is telling me that he has never listened to one thing I have said in the past few years. That he didn’t read the articles I sent him. That he was ignoring all my attempts at fixing things.

And you know what? Nothing has changed. If I were to fall for this, it would be the same thing. The same issues would still exist, as would his refusal to address any of them.

The more you educate yourself on the tactics of narcissists, the more you can protect yourself from the manipulation.

Do not fall for it.

Remember, you deserve better than that.

It’s More Than Anyone Knows…

You open up Facebook and roll your eyes at the first post to pop up:

“What have I done to be treated like this? Are there any real men left in the world or are they all horrible?”

Ugh. There goes Becky again, complaining about her husband. Her incessant bitching about this man almost makes you feel sorry for him. If he’s so awful, why doesn’t she leave and shut up about it?

Sometimes, I am Becky. I have vague-booked some pretty personal issues and I’m sure at least a few people were rolling their eyes at me, or felt sorry for my ex that I was airing dirty laundry.

Here’s the thing: you never know the whole story behind a comment unless you ask. I know that in my posts related to issues in my marriage, I was often looking for confirmation – somebody to tell me I was right. When you are the victim of gaslighting it is hard to decipher if your feelings are valid or if your perceptions are real. Most times, all I needed was to hear somebody say “Yeah, I would feel that way, too” or “He was wrong to do that, husbands shouldn’t act that way” because I needed my feelings to be validated, not because I was looking for sympathy or trying to make my husband look bad.

You have no idea why “Becky” just said what she said. Maybe she told her husband she is thinking about leaving him and so he drove around with a gun in his truck for four days, sending her pictures of it with the question “Made your decision yet?” and that prompted her post (see, when it gets really bad we don’t write about those things). Maybe she is looking for somebody to tell her it’s okay to leave after her husband just sent a video to her with a loaded shotgun in his mouth but can’t bring herself to actually tell the whole story.

My point is, when you see somebody making comments about being treated badly, it usually took a lot for them to get to that point. There is more to it than you know. So before you judge, ask. And after you ask, help. That is often what we are crying out for – help, not attention or sympathy.

Always be kind, and never assume.

True Colors of the Narcissistic Father

So, you have finally done it. You have found the courage to move on with your life and leave your narcissistic ex behind. This is great, right? No more harassing messages, no more stonewalling, no more lies or gaslighting. They can’t hurt you anymore….or can they?

When you have escaped the clutches of a narcissist and implemented a (very necessary) rule of no contact, just when you are feeling like they can’t touch you or taint your life anymore, what do they do next? They go for the kids. You see, they can’t touch you, but they know the children are an extension of you, and therefore they can mess with you through their interactions with the kids. Relentless bastards, these narcissists are.

In my personal experience, within a week of going full no-contact with my ex he began flooding my kids phones with messages, started FaceTiming them almost every night….you know, acting like a normal dad who was working away from home. This may sound great, but when you take into account the six years I had previously spent begging him to be more involved with the kids, his sudden interest in them was suspicious, to say the very least. The narcissistic cycle of abuse begins with love-bombing, and I realized right away what he was doing to the kids.

Fortunately, my kids aren’t stupid. They are on to him, just as I am. My eleven-year-old flat out said “Dad is just calling me because you won’t talk to him and he wants to know what you’ve been doing.” My response? “Yep, kid! You’re absolutely right!” I’m not going to cover for my ex. Not only that, but I’m proud and happy for my kids that they can identify his behaviors at such a young age. They’ve been bamboozled by this man their entire lives and they’re already over it. Good for you, kiddos!

Needless to say, these messages and phone calls lasted all of a week, and when my ex wasn’t getting the “dirt” on me he was digging for, he stopped contact with them again. They weren’t giving him what he was looking for, so they’re of no use to him. And for the kids and I, that is more than okay.

Whether you’re five or fifty, you will eventually see the narcissist’s true colors after being their victim for too long. And as painful as it is for my kids to see their father for who he is, I am relieved that they are privy to his ways. It gives me hope that my girls will never end up with this kind of man, and my son will never grow up to be this kind of man. I will not tell them their perceptions of him are incorrect – that would be gaslighting, and I refuse to stoop to his level. Instead, I will be there to talk and support them and help them deal with the feelings that come along with being the child of an emotionally devoid father.

As badly as we may want our kids to grow up viewing their father in a positive light, we can’t excuse the narcissistic behaviors or pretend they don’t exist. Be honest with your kids, be there for them always, and let them know their feelings are valid and okay to have. Do this in a way so that you’re not bad-mouthing your ex, rather agreeing with what your child is observing and feeling.

True colors shine bright and sometimes all you can do for your children is help shield the glare a bit.