Bygones Will Never Be Bygones

Remember that time seven years ago when you said hello to your ex-boyfriend at the grocery store? Or that time you lied about your whereabouts because you wanted to go to your friend’s bachelorette party but knew your partner would never allow it? How about the time at the very beginning of your relationship when he ghosted you for weeks so you assumed your relationship was nonexistent and went on a date with somebody else?

Of course you remember, because a narcissist will never let you forget.

Narcissists are impossible to hold accountable or responsible for their own actions and will always turn the tables on their victims. For example, you find out your husband of eight years has been seeing the receptionist at his work. You confront him and he reminds you of every single thing you have done wrong since 1994. Pretty soon you find yourself apologizing for decades-past transgressions (that you have most likely already apologized a thousand times for) and what he has done/is doing is out of the spotlight, ignored, nonexistent.

Narcissists do not forgive and forget. They hold onto every little perceived transgression and will use it against you when it comes in handy to them. They cheated on you? Well, what about the time you tried to break up with them six years ago? Remember that? Aren’t you still sorry for how that made them feel? I mean, if you hadn’t done that horrible thing all those years ago, they never would have done whatever it is they just did. Your past actions caused this, is what they will tell you. And you will believe them, until you don’t.

When most people make mistakes, they will feel bad about it, confess, and apologize. The person they have hurt will either accept the apology or decide to move on. Narcissists do not accept apologies, they use them as ammunition against you in future arguments to defend their behavior. Sometimes they will even stay in a relationship just to punish the person who has wronged them. They will pretend to accept the apology, yet bring up the issue or incident every day to make you feel bad. They won’t get over anything you have done to them, and they won’t let you get over it or forget it, either.

Find a healthy relationship where you are both allowed to make mistakes, are both able to learn from problems that may arise, and you grow together from what you learn. You don’t deserve to be punished for the rest of your life if you make a mistake and learn from it. You deserve better.

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Visitation Question:

At this moment, I am seriously considering implementing supervised visits only between my ex and our children, as his behaviors are going to put us all in life-long therapy if I don’t act…

What was the final straw for you when it came to your narcissistic ex poisoning your minds?

Does your ex have supervised visits? What caused this??

I would love to hear any and all feedback!!!

Narcissists and the Fake Relationship

My oldest son does not biologically belong to my ex (my other three children are his). We began dating when my son had just turned three – he is now officially old enough to help vote Trump out of the White House. So that was fifteen years they had to form some sort of bond or relationship. Thank God my son’s biological father has always been a good dad/husband to his wife and shown him what men are actually supposed to act like…but it terrifies me that my younger three will never have any clue of what that should look like.

My husband would engage with my oldest son just enough to make himself look good to those on the outside: “Hey, kid, tell Grandpa how much fun we had fishing!” and my son would reluctantly tell Grandpa – he knew it would come across as being something they did together all the time, even though in those fifteen years they might have gone fishing three or four times…

He would brag about how intelligent my son was, although he had never met his teachers, helped with projects, or looked at his report cards. When my younger son (his bio) had a picnic at his school on the very last day of kindergarten one of my daughters got sick, so I had to send my ex in my place. He actually had to ask me what our son’s teacher’s name was and where his classroom was. On the last day of school. It’s pathetic.

So basically, the narcissist only has use for the kids when they are making them look good. It is not a real relationship – it is a sick relationship at best. My oldest moved to the Twin Cities area two years ago (his dad/aunts/all kinds of family members live down there) – he has seen/talked to my ex twice in that time. Maybe three times. The point is, now that he has no use for him, he doesn’t even bother. He doesn’t care enough to see how he is doing.

Sadly, this is something we need to prepare ourselves and our children for when we finally put the narcissist on the curb – the devaluation of the entire family. By leaving him, you’re making him look bad to others, and that makes you the enemy now. So get ready for questions about why your ex no longer calls, why he hasn’t visited in three months, why he spends more time with his new girlfriend’s kids than he ever did with them…it’s all par for the course to the narcissist, and you will be left to explain how people, even parents, can have fake relationships. Even though you don’t understand it yourself.

Touch Me and I’ll Puke

I’m going to speak from personal experience here, but I firmly believe that resentment is one of the top relationship/marriage destroyers. Years and years of unsolved issues and arguments don’t just disappear – they manifest into contempt towards the offending party until all you can feel for them is disdain and disappointment (and, eventually, total disgust).

It took me years to get to the “disgust” level, but once I got there, there was no going back. Being within ten feet of my ex would make my skin crawl and give me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It started off with “little” things. My husband would be working out of town and I would hear that so-and-so ran into him at a strip club. I would confront him, he would lie, and then he would stonewall me for days until I “forgot” about his transgression. While things may have turned out in his favor and he would think things were good, we could just carry on and forget about it, I would still be holding on to the anger.

Then the issues grew bigger. I would catch him talking to a girl from work while I was trying to sleep in bed next to him, or he couldn’t help me wrap Christmas presents because he was too busy looking at inappropriate Snapchat photos, or he would rack up a $900 cell phone bill watching pornography. More issues I would attempt to address, he would lie about, and stonewall me until I “forgot” or let it go. See how the cycle of emotional abuse goes with a narcissist? I was never forgetting any of the problems he was refusing to address – I was just suppressing the urge to throat-punch him is all.

And then one day, after all this resentment and hurt and anger have taken up so much of your heart and mind that you have no more room, it all boils over. You realize you have so much resentment for this “man” that you tense up when he enters the room, you cringe when he even glances your way, and you literally feel like you could vomit when he tries to touch you. In your mind, he has become toxic. He is poisonous to your mind and soul. All you want is for him to stay away from you. Thank God my ex wasn’t home more than a few days every couple of months or I don’t know what I would have done. I can’t imagine being stuck under the same roof as a narcissist every day of my life.

Women are different than (most) men. When our emotional needs are not being met – or are being trampled all over – it effects other areas of our lives. On the rare occasions my husband would try to hug or kiss me, all that was going through my mind was “You lie to me all the time, you’re a worthless father, you treat me like crap” and I couldn’t bring myself to let him near me. My mind interpreted his presence as danger. And for good reason.

As horrible as it may sound, it crosses my mind multiple times a day how thankful I am that this man will never touch me again. Somebody who put me through such hell doesn’t deserve a hug from me, and I don’t deserve to have to fake it.

His behavior disgusted me, he refused to talk about what he had done, and in turn he disgusted me.

If the very thought of a kiss from your partner makes you want to puke, it’s time to move on. You deserve better.