You know, it kind of amazes me that I left my husband months ago, and he is still providing constant fodder for my blog. No matter how many times I tell him to leave me alone, he just keeps coming at me with more. And with every punch he throws, I come up with a new lesson I have learned and hope to pass on to others going through this same crap.
“You ruined my life.” That was the text I got before bed last night. I’m not sure if he likes to text me at bedtime in the hopes of keeping me up thinking of him at night or if that’s just when he’s drunk enough to muster up the nerve to be such a jerk, but it’s getting old.
My first reaction to reading this message was anger. After all the hell he has put our kids and I through, he’s going to blame the outcome on me?!? Was I the one who forced him to work 500 miles away from home for six years? Was I the one who fed him booze until that became the most central part of his life? Was I the one who forced him to constantly seek out other women when he needed his ego stroked? Was I the one who told him he should have as little contact with his kids as possible so they barely know each other?
I spent years begging him to move home so we could both work. He chose to stay in Williston because it made him look good. It made others believe he was out there busting his ass to take care of his family, when in reality he stayed because he enjoyed the bachelor lifestyle. His one and only responsibility has always been to just show up for work, and he likes it that way. It was the easy way out for him.
I spent years suggesting he drink less/go to AA meetings/ reach out to family members for help. His alcoholism was (is) completely out of control and he knows it, yet he still chooses to pretend it’s not a problem.
I spent years competing with the other women…I am over that, and not even going to go into it, but I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t the one finding him dates on the Williston back-pages.
I spent years warning him of what would happen if he didn’t try to be more involved with he kids. When I got really mad about it he would call them for two or three days in a row and then go MIA again. In fact, the other day he was sending me messages asking why the kids won’t talk to him and why they hate him – he said he had been trying to get in touch with them for days with no response. I checked the kids phones and there were no missed or received calls or messages from him – he just wanted a reason for me to feel sorry for him. Poor baby, your kids don’t like you after you pretended they didn’t exist for six years? Not my problem.
After going through this list in my head and realizing he is definitely the one responsible for ruining his own life, I was left with the question all victims of narcissists wonder – how could he possibly be blaming this on me???
What I came up with is this – I ruined his life (in his mind) by not letting him ruin mine. I escaped, I moved on, and I am rekindling friendships and doing what makes me happy while he is stuck in the lonely life he created for himself.
The fact that my life is not ruined is what is ruining his.
So, if he wants to say “You ruined my life” I will take that as a compliment. It means I was too strong for him to hold down and without my energy source feeding his ego he is miserable. And that is the hell he created for himself.
As for me, I’ll continue creating my own paradise without feeling guilty.